Cycle update:

CD 23
Ovulated on CD 21 -- later than I had hoped.
2 DPO
Pretty sure I'm not pregnant.

After my obsession over getting pregnant this story is going to make many shake their head, but here it goes, none-the-less...

Hubby's bday was on Sunday and I really thought I was going to ovulate that day. I got this idea in my head that conceiving a child on his bday would be the *perfect* bday gift (you would think that by now I'd know that all of these special dates never work out) so when I woke up Monday morning and realized my temp was still low I decided that even though I was certain I would ovulate that day we would abstain. In the off chance that there were still some sperm hanging around and we actually conceive I want to be able to tell him that we conceived on his birthday (even though I know technically that's not the case, but still, it's close enough...). Of course I haven't let hubby in on my craziness as of yet! ;)

So, with that, I'm pretty sure that AF will show up on schedule this month. I'm really just hoping for a 12 day minimum luteal phase...if I get that I'll be more than happy this month!

Lately I've been getting questions about my acupnucture treatments. They usually come when someone notices the **seeds in my ears and ask what they are. I explain that they are part of my acupuncture treatments which of course leads right into the "why?" question. Here's where I get tongue tied. For those who I choose to tell, I don't know if I should say, "Infertility" or "Fertility"??? Am I being treated for Infertility or is the acupuncuture a Fertility treatment? I'm totally confused! I usually end up saying something stupid like, "we're trying to have another baby" which still doesn't really answer their question. Eventually I get out what I'm trying to say, but it would be so much easier if I could answer without sounding like I don't know the answer either!

So, any opinions? For those undergoing treatment of any kind, do you consider it "fertility" or "infertility" treaments??

**Ear seeds are small seeds from the Vaccaria plant. These seeds are held in place on the ear with a small piece of adhesive tape and I simply push on them every once in a while to stimulate that particular pressure point in my ear (this last time they were points for my adrenal glands).

Not too much to report, but I thought I would post a quick update on a few things...

I'm on CD 14 and waiting to ovulate. I ovulated on CD 18 last month so I'm counting on it being in the next few days. More to come on this I'm sure...

I was finally able to ask my aunt about my cousin (the one who's possible miscarriage/pregnancy I posted about a while ago). I have spoken with my aunt several times since they found out that they were not having a miscarriage but I just haven't been able to talk about it with her. Friday night I felt like it was time and was happy to hear that things continue to look good. After we were done talking my aunt asked, "well what about you? Any baby news?" I answered with a simple, "no, not yet" and left it at that. I know she had good intentions, but why does everyone insist on asking me if there is any "news" every time I talk to them. Do they expect that one of these times I will reply with "I'm so glad you asked! I've been so busy lately that I forgot to mention that I'm 4 months pregnant and doing great!" My mom is the WORST at this. I will tell her that I'm not feeling well because I'm on my period and she will ask me if I'm pregnant and then proceed to tell me that some women have their periods while they are pregnant! I just want to scream, but instead assure her that I am NOT pregnant and will NEVER be pregnant and having a period at the same time. I really love my friends and family but they just dont' seem to get it regardless of how hard I try to explain...

I think that's all for now. We have been incredibly busy with yardwork which has been great for occupying my mind these days. Today we had a major windstorm and my wonderful hubby worked outside all day in it. I checked in on him periodically but just can't handle the wind. We have some major projects going, but when we are done our yard is going to look absolutely beautiful.

Let's lighten the mood a little here...

I heard about this study on the radio this morning and looked it up when I got home. Here's what it says...

"According to a survey by Websense Inc., a provider of employee Internet-management software, 52% of managers and employees would rather give up coffee than their ability to cruise the Web for personal reasons at work. Forty-four percent favor the taste of java over Web surfing."

I knew my answer instantly which on I would choose...I'd give up the coffee in a heartbeat over the internet (this is probably so easy for me to say because I've recently stopped drinking coffee and after the initial shock to my body, I haven't missed it all that much).

So, what's your answer? Coffee or Internet??

So how did everyone out there fair on Mother's Day? Was it tougher than you thought? Easier? Just what you expected? For me it was my worst one yet, but still, not too bad! ;) I woke up genuinely grateful to be a mother to such a beautiful little girl and also feeling incredibly blessed to have possibly one of the best mothers and a pretty darn good mother in law too. I realized that in the whole scope of things I have an awful lot to be thankful for. While grateful for all I have, I could help but feel a deep ache over not being 7 months pregnant and celebrating my first Mother's Day as a mom of 2. Because of my new awareness with all things Infertile I was also acutely aware of what a painful day it was for so many people. Sure it's a commericalized holiday, but none-the-less, it's a day that everyone celebrates mothers and I think we sometimes forget that there are many people who a day such as this brings with it a very painful reminder of what they don't have. There are those that don't have a mom, those who want desperately to be one, those who are moms to a child who has died or is not in communication with their family and like a friend we had dinner with on Sunday night, there are those who made the selfless decision to give their child up for adoption. I think it's wonderful that we celebrate this gift called "motherhood", but I think it's also important not to forget those who are hurting on such a day.

Church was awesome, but also left me with a heavy heart for most of the reasons I already mentioned. Our pastors wife spoke and she did an incredible job. I'm always so blessed when she shares her heart and know that on Sunday many lives were touched by her words.

The rest of the day was spent doing yardwork and playing Softball (Hubby and I are on one of our churches softball teams). We managed to secure our 2nd victory (2 & 2) which was exciting and then enjoyed a tasty dinner (they have some of the best chicken wings I have ever had) at a local sports bar/grill with most of our team mates.

All in all, I can't complain, but it was a new experience to have a heavy heart on a day that up until now was filled with nothing but happiness for me.

Happy Belated Mother's Day to all the moms out there and for those who are waiting to be called "mom", here's to this year being your very last Mother's Day without a child in your arms...

Migraine Hell! For several years now I have suffered from migraines. I either get them when under a great deal of stress (the first one I ever experienced was in December of 1999 when I bought my first new car, purchased my wedding dress and signed papers on our first home all within 3 days) or on the first day of my period due to the drop in Progesterone. Yesterday it was the hormones and it was HORRIBLE! I had been fighting off a headache all day and thought I was going to make it without a full blown migraine, but at about 8:00 in the evening I realized I wasn't going to be so lucky. Within a few minutes I was horribly sick to my stomach and my head hurt so bad I could feel the roof of my mouth throbbing and my jaw hurt so bad I could hardly open my mouth. It was all I could do to get myself upstairs and into bed without vomitting. It took me a while to fall asleep due to the intense pain and I woke up several times during the night with my head still killing me. This morning I had a lingering headache but as the day has gone on I'm feeling much better.

I always forget just how bad a migraine really is until I have one. Last night as I was laying there I kept thinking, "it feels like my whole body is just shutting down" and honestly it scared me a little...

CD 1, and with that, we are back in the game!! Usually the start of my period is a painful reminder that we are not pregnant yet again, but this month it's a little different. Being that we weren't "trying" this last month I had no expectation of possibly being pregnant and was actually anxious for AF to arrive so we could start on our first cycle of trying again. That combined with the fact that after only a little over a month of natural treatments I had a full 12 day luteal phase! Can we all say, "WOW!" ;) My luteal phase has averaged between 8-10 days so to see such a significant change in a month is amazing. I also ovulated earlier than usual. I typically ovulated between on cd 21 or 22 and this month I ovulated on cd 18! If nothing else I am thrilled beyond belief to see my body readjusting to a healthy state of functioning!

As we embark once again on the waiting and wondering game I am determined to keep my focus on things above and to not let myself be overtaken by the possibility of being pregnant. Of course I'm human and it will be impossible not to think about it, but I don't want to be consumed by it. Like I said before, I am trusting in God, trusting in his timing and determined to finally learn my lesson in patience! ;)

On a somewhat realated note, I've been working on a lesson for the classes I'm going to be teaching on Sunday mornings when we move into our new church and a verse I'm using in my first lesson entitled, "Trust God" is Jeremiah 29: 10-14. The Message version says this...

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.” “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.” “Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree. “I’ll turn things around for you. I’ll bring you back from all the countries into which I send you off into exile. You can count on it.”

I've been working on this for a while, but when I read it today I was struck by the last part..."I'll turn things around for you....You can count on it!" How awesome is it that we have a God who cares about each one of us so much! He cares about our individual needs, desires, hurts and joys and he tells us that if we call out to him and are serious in seeking him that we won't be dissapointed. Now I know this doesn't mean we will get whatever we want, but it does mean that he will give us exactly what we need and in the end it will be enough. Our God is SO good!!

In my car, on the way to pick up Bella from preschool, it just hit me...I need to be content with the life I have. Content with the wonderful husband and incredibly beautiful daughter that the Lord has blessed me with. I HAVE A CHILD! So many women don't. I always said that the one thing I wanted to do in life was experience being pregnant, giving birth and raising a child. I've done the first 2 parts and am doing the last part right now. I have such a blessed and joyous life and I want to live each day in that truth. I want to be happy, really happy with the life I have and if the Lord chooses to bless us with another child, then great, but if not, I want to okay with that too. I don't want to live each day in the hope of what may be, but instead in the joy of what is. I want to be a whole person. A whole mother, a whole wife, a whole woman. I want to offer all that I am to the people I love. I can only do this if I let go of my own desires and accept God's plan for my life.

Do I still want another baby? Yes. Desperately. Is it hard not to let it consume me? Unbelievably hard. Will I always have such an optimistic point of view? No way! There will still be days that I find myself unable to escape the cloud above my head, but instead of succumbing to it, I hope to rise above it, look around and rest in the assurance that I have a really, really fabulous life!

I just got home from my weekly acupuncture treatment. It was probably the best one yet. I'm not sure what was different, but it was even more relaxing than usual. She reiterated the fact that my body is still trying to adjust to all of the stuff that we are doing and that it's typical to not feel any improvement, or to even feel worse, during the first month. This marks my 4th treatment and 1 month of being on my supplements, so I'm hoping for a noticable improvement from here on out.

With that 1 months mark behind us, we have the green light be being actively trying to get pregnant again. I'm so anxious and excited, but also incredibly nervous. I want SO bad to be joyful during my next pregnancy, but I honestly don't know if I will be able to get past the fear. My goal is to view each day that I'm pregnant as a gift from God and to do my best to trust in His will for our lives.