One year ago today I experienced the heart break of miscarriage. I was the Maid of Honor in my sister-in-laws wedding and saw the first tinge of blood in bathroom at the salon where we were getting our hair done. I tried to tell myself it was nothing, but in my heart I knew better. Of all days I thought. Any day but this one. I made up some stupid excuse about having to run to the store and went and bought pads. Pregnant women shouldn't be buying pads. I put one on and somehow shoved it out of my mind. The day went on. Last minute decorations, a beautiful wedding and the reception. All the while I was consumed with taking care of my duties. Finally after all of the formalities were over I realized I really had to pee. My mom decided to join me and or course my beautiful little flower girl had to come to. I went in the bathroom, pulled down my pants and stared in horror as I saw a blood filled pad. I can't explain that feeling. How could I not know I was bleeding so much? I quickly composed myself and came out of the bathroom. As soon as I saw my mom I fell into a puddle of tears. No one knew I was pregnant. We were going to tell everyone the next day. We didn't want to take away from the wedding and so we waited. Now I had to tell my mom I was pregnant and miscarrying in one breath. She hugged me, helped me pull myself together and I went to find the hubby. I whispered to him and he quickly whisked me off to say goodbye to the bride and groom and helped me into the car (we said we needed to take flower girl home). He told his mom and we left. I spent that night in a hotel room bleeding and in pain. The next morning we had plans to gather for the gift opening. We didn't want to tell my sister and brother in law so I put on a happy face and watched them open mixers, vacuums and the like. Finally we left and I had to drive 2 1/2 hours home by myself (I had come early to help with preparations). I had never been more more happy to be home. A trip to the ER, blood tests and an ultrasound confirmed what I already knew in my heart. Our baby was gone.

In that moment I feel like I lost some measure of innocence. That was the beginning of a very long dark time for me. I tried to tell myself it would be okay. Just bounce back and don't worry so much. But I felt so empty inside. I laid in bed for days holding my stomach, desperate to have my baby back in my womb where it belonged. My poor husband was beside himself. He didn't know what to do and honestly, didn't really understand. I got angry. He got defensive. It was terrible. I cried. I screamed. I was angry. hurt. heart broken. confused.

As time went on I began to come out of that dark place. Thankfully I realized that God still had plans for our life. He still wanted to bless us with children. His love was bigger than my loss and that ultimately, I would be okay.

I knew today was coming and I wondered how I would feel. I'm thrilled to be pregnant again on this day, but still so scared that it's going to happen again. Now I know I will be okay in the end, but I really, really, really don't want to have to go there again.

I'm looking forward to this day being over. Looking forward to the knot in my stomach going away. Forward to the thoughts of what could have been to fading away. I so want to enjoy this pregnancy and I'm trying to let myself enjoy this time.

Today I forced myself to ask the Princess what she was going to do when she was a big sister. She of course had a list a mile long to tell me, but I felt like I was going to choke on each word as it came out.

I'm trying. Really trying.