I'm still here. Still pregnant (as far as I know).
Truth be told, I'm extremely sick which is making thing very difficult for me. Not only am I suffering from the physical part of it, but I am feeling so guilty for not being able to embrace it. The logical part of me knows that anyone who is sick 24 hours a day (I'm really not joking. I puke all day and all night...sleep doesn't even relieve the sickness) for weeks on end won't have the most positive outlook on things, but the emotional side of me keeps saying, "this is what you asked for". The worst part is that a good number of people feel completely comfortable reminding me just in case I happend to forget. If I'm honest when they ask me how I'm doing, they usually chuckle and say something like, "well, this is what you wanted!" I usually bite my tongue and smile, but what I really want to say is, "NO! You are wrong!" What I wanted was to be pregnant and have another child." "I didn't want to be so sick that I'm loosing weight faster than I can keep track off, that my throat is raw from all of the vomit...especially the bile, that my back and abdomen literally ache with pain from the constant heaving." "That's NOT what I asked for!"
Of course then the guilt creeps up and I consider the alternative and I hate myself for being so selfish. I know that for the most part this is a good sign. Every time my head is hanging in the toilet it reminds me that, yes, I am in fact pregnant.
I'm just such a mess in my head right now. During the days I'm so consumed with making it through that I don't have a lot of time to worry about all that bad things that might happen, but at night, well that's another story. In my short stints of sleep there hasn't been one night since finding out I was pregnant that I haven't had some horrible dream...different circumstances, different reasons, but they all end the same way...with a dead baby.
I am so determined for this NOT to be my experience, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to escape it. My stomach still drops every time someone does or says something that assumes that we're really having a baby. My mom decided not to take extra days of vacation at Thanksgiving so that she could have more time in June. When she told me I wanted to say, "you shouldn't plan for that, just take your days at Thanksgiving." What is wrong with me? Why can't I accept that fact that I'm going to have a baby? But what...just what if, I'm not???
Truth be told, I'm extremely sick which is making thing very difficult for me. Not only am I suffering from the physical part of it, but I am feeling so guilty for not being able to embrace it. The logical part of me knows that anyone who is sick 24 hours a day (I'm really not joking. I puke all day and all night...sleep doesn't even relieve the sickness) for weeks on end won't have the most positive outlook on things, but the emotional side of me keeps saying, "this is what you asked for". The worst part is that a good number of people feel completely comfortable reminding me just in case I happend to forget. If I'm honest when they ask me how I'm doing, they usually chuckle and say something like, "well, this is what you wanted!" I usually bite my tongue and smile, but what I really want to say is, "NO! You are wrong!" What I wanted was to be pregnant and have another child." "I didn't want to be so sick that I'm loosing weight faster than I can keep track off, that my throat is raw from all of the vomit...especially the bile, that my back and abdomen literally ache with pain from the constant heaving." "That's NOT what I asked for!"
Of course then the guilt creeps up and I consider the alternative and I hate myself for being so selfish. I know that for the most part this is a good sign. Every time my head is hanging in the toilet it reminds me that, yes, I am in fact pregnant.
I'm just such a mess in my head right now. During the days I'm so consumed with making it through that I don't have a lot of time to worry about all that bad things that might happen, but at night, well that's another story. In my short stints of sleep there hasn't been one night since finding out I was pregnant that I haven't had some horrible dream...different circumstances, different reasons, but they all end the same way...with a dead baby.
I am so determined for this NOT to be my experience, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to escape it. My stomach still drops every time someone does or says something that assumes that we're really having a baby. My mom decided not to take extra days of vacation at Thanksgiving so that she could have more time in June. When she told me I wanted to say, "you shouldn't plan for that, just take your days at Thanksgiving." What is wrong with me? Why can't I accept that fact that I'm going to have a baby? But what...just what if, I'm not???
posted by Donielle... at 4:30 PM
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