CD 21. Still not sure if I've ovulated. If so, it was yesterday, much later than I had hoped. At my appt on Wed. Dr. F started me on thyroid. When she test my thyroid in January it was just on the edge of being considered hypothyroid, so she had me taking a thyroid supplement to support general thyroid health. She now thinks that my thyroid may be the reason that my body is having such a difficult time ovulating. I seem to go back and forth between "good" and "bad" cycles, with no real explanation. We'll see what comes of this...as much as I want to think this may work, I'm becoming more and more pessimistic as the months go by.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was asking me about how things were going. When I told her she reminded me of the time line I set for moving on to traditional treatments. It was October, 1 year after my m/c and almost 2 years of trying to have a baby. When I said that I NEVER thought it might actually arrive without me being pregnant. As I sit here today there are only 2 cycle between me and my original date of "moving on". It really scares me. I'm scared of fertility treatments and honestly, I'm pissed that I would have to even go there.

The big question for me...what is God's will for our life? Why could we conceive one child so easily and not another? I've always considering Bella an incredible blessing, but given our current circumstances, I'm just starting to realize what a TRUE miracle she was. When I look at her now I see what a good and perfect gift from God she is. Please don't think I'm suggesting that every child isn't a gift from God, it's just that in light of our current circumstances we are realizing just how blessed we were on that first day in December when I stared in disbelief at a positive pregnancy, and more importantly the day, almost 4 years ago when we first laid eyes on our beautiful baby girl.

I have prayed and prayed that God would reveal his will to us, especially in the times that I feel like giving up. For now the only answer I have come up with is to trust my husband and his strong desire to add another child to our family. Considering my strong and independat personality, this is not something that comes naturally, but I feel like in trusting Andy I am taking one more step towards aligning myself with God's will for my life and my marriage and that ultimately he will honor my committment to follwoing his design.

We will continue to pray, continue to hope, continue to wait...

So I'm somewhere in the middle of yet another cycle. I'm praying that I ovulate in the next couple days and that I have a good luteal phase this month. Of course I really hope I'm pregnant but am feeling a bit pessimistic right now. I have been feeling so good and positive about things for a while and for some reason I'm having a tough time this month. Honestly, I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of the weekly acupuncture, tired of swallowing a hundred pills a day (okay, so it's not 100, but it sure feels like it), tired of not getting up to pee at 5:30 because I have to wait until 6:30 to take my temp, tired of *everyone* asking me how it's going, just plain tired of it all. I either want to be pregnant or I just want to forget about it...at least for a while. It absoultely breaks my heart to see Andy's face when I tell him of other preople pregnancy news. In the past week we've found out that 2 people close to us are having boys and each time I've told him he has such a look of sadness deep in his eyes. I recognize it not only because he is my husband, but because I know the pain. Amost daily I hear, "mommy, when are you going to have another baby?" "Mommy I want a brother or a sister. So and so has a brother or a sister, why don't I?" And then just yesterday we were sitting on the couch and she asked me when I was going to have another baby. I told her I didn't know and she said, "Daddy said that some mommy's can't have more babies." It was all I could do not to cry right there.

It's all just so hard and so sad sometimes.

7 years ago today I stood in a hospital room with my arms around my brother and watched as my dad went to be with the Lord. He died of cancer and his death was very much a blessing as he was finally free from the pain and suffering he had endured for so long. I can't explain the peace I feel knowing that he is spending eternity with our Heavenly Father, but it's still hard not to have my dad here with me. He never saw me graduate from college, get married or become a mom. He would have been a wonderful grandpa to Bella.

In October when I found out I was pregnant of course the first thing I did was calculate my due date. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was July 4. A day that for years was one of the happiest days of the year. As a family we would travel to friends of ours home and spend a week celebrating the 4th. It was something we looked forward to all year. Then the joy of all of that was tainted by the loss of my dad on a day that was so special to us as a family. Now here I was, due to have a baby on that day. I know that the chances of delivering on your due date are slim, but I still felt like God was giving me something very special. A gift we had waited for and wanted so badly on a day filled with much sadness for my family. It seemed perfect to me. And then I miscarried. This was one of my biggest struggles. Why would God allow this to happen to me. Was the death of my dad not enough to deal with on that day?? I will never forget listening to my Jeremy Camp CD and the words to the song "I Still Believe" shortly after my m/c and the struck me to my very core. The whole song means so much to me now, but these words are words that I have had running through my head ever since...

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare

I have to say that I still don't fully understand what it is that God is preparing my heart for, but I am content to be patient and see...or not. I know it's something I may never fully understand here on earth and I'm okay with that finally.

Anyways, today marks a very sad time for us. First the death of my dad and now for the first time, the death of our much wanted baby. As sad as it makes me, I hold on to the knowledge that our separation is only temporary. I know there will be a day when I see my dad and my baby again.

Where have I been??? We've had all kinds of stuff going on this past month. We celebrated our 6th anniversary a couple weeks ago. Hubby got me a beautiful necklace and we went out for a really nice and much needed evening on the town. We've attended 2 out of town weddings, had friends over for a bbq and to top it all off, I've been at my "part time" job about 30 hours a week. It's so busy I can hardly keep up...good thing I love it so much!

In cycle news I'm currently 9 dpo. Unfotunately I ovulated when Hubby and I were in different states so the chances of being pregnant are essentially non-existent. The good news is that I ovulated on cd 16. Now if I can just have a 12 day luteal phase I will be feeling good about things.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things. I've definitely had my moments, but I've been able to move through them which is a welcome change.

For such a long time after my m/c I was totally convinced that I would get pregnant again right away. A month would go by, AF would show up, I would be upset and within weeks have myself convinced this was the month. I think I've finally realized that it isn't going to happen quickly for us...we've actively ttc for 16 cycles and I'm resolved to the reality that it's more than likely going to be a while. After my m/c I was convinced we would have a baby in 2006, when that was no longer a possibility I just knew I would at least be pregnant in 2006. I no longer have that, or any other expectation. It's kind of sad, but really it makes it a lot easier for me. I have no time frame. We have a few general ideas of when we will reasess things, but other than that I'm determined to enjoy my life as it is now.