I got a call from a friend from church who is on our softball team yesterday. She called to tell me that she wouldn't be playing on the team because she just found out she is pregnant. They have a 5 year old and a 6 month old. Needless to say, this pregnancy was completely unexpected. I actually wasn't as upset as I would have been just a few days ago, but after I got off the phone I realized that, yes, it really is possible for everyone to be pregnant except for me!

When I found out I was pregnant last October I went through all of my clothes and put all of my summer stuff away in our underbed storage. By the time the weather was nice enough to wear summer clothes I would be showing off my swelling belly.

Today I upacked everything.

It's finally in the high 70's and will only get warmer from here. I'm obviously not pregnant and there is a good chance I will make it through the summer with no change in status.

At least I had some cute stuff from last year. I love capris and was thrilled to see my collection of capris after a long cold winter. I also decided to stop with my obsession over maternity clothes on ebay. I went through and deleted all of the items I was "watching" and promised myself not to look at maternity clothes again until I have a reason to do so (by the way, a simple home pregnancy test does not qualify as a "good reason" anymore).

In other news, I went bra shopping with a friend and am happy to report that after being pregnant and then nursing for 2 1/2 years my boobs have dwindled down to a whopping 34 A. Yes, you read it...an A. At this point I might as well hit the girls section...the bras are a whole lot cheaper than Victoria's Secrets. ;)

I feel broken. Why can't my body just work the way it's supposed to? Why do I have to be in pain? Why? Why? Why?

I'm on CD 19 today and still haven't ovulated. I am having a ton of pelvic pain and pressure and I just generally feel like crap. I don't think I've ever felt as poorly about my body and self in general as I do right now. I'm sick of the constant reminders. Sick of the pain. Sick of the horrible PMS. Sick of the excruciating periods. Sick of being sick, really.

After quite a bit of research I've decided to do a major revamp of my eating habits. I'm starting with a book called the Raw Food Detox Diet. I'm going to try my best to be reasonable about it so I can stick with it, but I just feel the need to try something because obviously "this" isn't working out too well for me.

I know I've only been on my supplements and doing Acupuncture for 2 weeks now, but I'm not seeing or feeling a whole lot of improvement. Sure the acupuncture is relaxing while I'm there, but as far as my cycles go and the general pain and PMS cycle I experience...it's just like it has been. Dr. F said we can start trying to conceive again after a month. That means I only have a few more days of protected sex and then we are back in the game. I'm excited but also a bit pessimistic. Will this stuff really work? Will I really start ovulating earlier in my cycle? Will the pain really get better? Will my estrogen levels drop? So many questions and unfortunately I'm not good at waiting. This has been one of the most difficult things I have gone through in my life. I know fertility issues affect people differently, but for me it's hit hard. I just want it to be over. I just want to go ONE day without thinking about it. If I'm being honest with myself I contribute to it some by doing stupid stuff like reading infertility blogs, Googling everything under the sun related to my "issues", and as embarrased as I am to admit it...doing really pathetic stuff like looking at maternity clothes on ebay. I really have to knock that crap off. All I'm doing is torturing myself.

Ever fell so hard that the wind was knocked out of you? Imagine that feeling sans the fall.

I recently found out that my cousin and his wife were pregnant with their 2nd child. When I heard the news I felt that familar tinge of guilt that seems to accompany everyone's "good news" these days. Other than that I was happy for them and of course wished them the best. Then last week my mom told me that an early u/s and bleeding indicated that they were micarrying their baby and they would find out more at a follow-up appt this week. My heart was saddend at the news and I said a prayer that God would watch over them and give them strength to make it through whatever was to come. In the meantime my mom came to visit and while shopping at the mall my mom received a call from my aunt. GREAT NEWS! The ultrasound showed a healthy baby. No miscarriage. It didn't take long for me to get the gist of what was going on and in an instant I felt myself exhale and not be able to inhale. I couldn't breath. My eyes welled up with tears. My heart started to pound. I felt sick to my stomach. And then the anger came. There I stood in the middle of the parking lot, sun beating down on me. Listening to how wonderful it was that they were still pregnant, that they got to see their babies heartbeating. The joy and relief that was coming from my Aunt. I wanted to scream. WHERE WAS MY MIRACLE? WHY DID MY BABY DIE? WHY ME? I finally decided the best thing for me to do was to just walk away. So I did. My mom followed of course and when she got of the phone I did my best to express my happiness for them. I think the only words I could choke out were a very unconvincing, "That's great." I honestly felt like I was going to vomit with each word.

Please don't misunderstand me. I would NEVER wish the pain of loosing a baby on anyone. I didn't want their baby to die like mine did, but in that moment my pain overshadowed any joy I would normally feel for someone in their situation.

After a few minutes, my heart stopped racing, I was able to breath and we continued with our shopping.

I'm feeling a little better now, but am so frustrated with this 2 steps forward, 1 step back crap. I just want to be whole again, but I'm afraid that there will always be a part of me that is missing. The part of my heart that died along with my baby.

A little background...

Married to wonderful man for 6 years.

Mom to beautiful daughter, 3 1/2.

Endometriosis.

Conceived Daughter without even "trying".

Secondary Infertility -- 15 months of trying.

Pregnant in 10/05.

Miscarried at 6 weeks.

Low Progesterone -- not enough to sustain a pregnancy without supplementation.

High Estrogen -- hard to get conceive...bad eggs by the time I ovulate.

Currently seeing a Natropathic Doctor and Acupuncturist.