Well I think I'm 2 dpo. My temps have been really strange this month and it looks like I ovulated but with a really small temp rise??

Here's to our last cycle before we visit the RE next week!

So I want to try something new here...

I'm going to post a quote and maybe a picture every so often. If it speaks to you in any way I'd love to hear about it!

"Measure your life by loss instead of gain
Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth
For love's strength standeth in love's sacrafice
And whosoever suffereth the most hath the most to give."
Hudson Taylor

Okay, I'm over my bad attitude...at least for now. ;)

I let myself go back to that dark place in my mind for a while and finally realized that I need to pull myself out of it. It's not good for me at all and certainly isn't good for those around me.

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed by life in general right now and really believe that I will have another child when the timing is right. If I were to find out I was pregnant this month I would be thrilled and completely stressed at the same time. God is using me in other people's lives right now and while I am totally willing to be used in this place, it is taking all of the energy (emotionally and physically) that I have.

We will still go to our RE appt in early October and see what he says. At that point I'm not sure which road we will take. Last night as we were falling asleep I said, "What if we just never used birth control again and trusted that God would bless us with another child if and when He sees fit?"

What if....

I am usually a fairly balanced person, but this whole SI stuff has really messed with my emotions. Tonight I feel like saying a big F*** YOU to all of it! With the exception of a few people who know me inside and out, most of those who know me in real life would be gasping about now and shaking their head in dissapointment, but with a little time, they'll get over it!

So, to make myself feel better here is a list of the things I have recently done to try to reclaim a little of what the past 2 years of failing at trying to have another child has taken from me...

1. Joined the gym. I haven't worked out in years and I've been at it for a little over a month now and LOVE it!

2. Lost weight. I've lost 10+ lbs and gone from a size 8 to a size 4 in about 3 months. Everyone is worried about me, but it makes me feel GOOD about myself so I don't care!

3. Bought new clothes. Screw the "I'm not going to buy anything because I'll need maternity clothes soon" frame of mind.

4. Drank wine...really good Pinot Noir to be specific. And, is everyone ready....drank it during the 2ww. Go ahead, gasp and shake your head if you will.

5. Not taken my prenatal vitamins because I just don't feel like it.

That's all I can think of right now. I know there will be some people saying, "well if she *really* wanted to get pregnant she wouldn't be doing that stuff and you know what I say...set an hour or two aside to read the list of things i HAVE (and continue to do) done to try to get pregnant. I'm tired of constantly looking to the future and not really enjoying the present. I have a great life and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. If that means slacking on prenatal vitamins and drinking wine through my whole cycle, then so be it.

Bed time.

I knew it was coming, but last night a good friend of mine told me she is pregnant. Not only are we close friends but we work together. This is their first and I honestly am thrilled for them. They are going to be awesome parents and are so excited for this new chapter in their life.

As genuinely happy as I am for them, the reminder of what we DON'T have is stronger than ever. Everyone around us seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and we are the only ones who it is so difficult for. Not only does that leave us feeling totally alone in our struggle to get pregnant but no one can even begin to understand how all of these pregnancies affect us.

I know that God is using this experience for some greater purpose, but it's still hard to not only wait, but to watch as so many people in our life acheive so easily what we have to try so hard at, spend so much money on and still be no closer to having another child than we were 2 years ago.

Another cycle down the drain. I'm currently on CD 3. I never, I mean, never thought I would be here in September of 2006 and not even be pregnant. This whole experience is all very surreal to me.

I am trying to protect myself emotionally but truth be told, I am praying for a miracle this month. How great would it be to be to cancel my appt with the RE because I am pregnant?! At the same time I know it's just not realistic. It's a dream, a wish, nothing more. Despite my logical side I know that by the end of this month I'm going to be a wreck.

I don't have much more to say than that. Please say a prayer for me that I will make it through this month sane and that I can look forward to what the RE will have to offer us.

I know I keep writing about the same thing over and over again, but I guess I'm hoping that by writing it down I will some how be able to make sense of it??

Anyways, I'm still feeling so torn about which "path" to take. The having another baby path or the forget it and move on path. Why do I feel so compelled to choose one? Why can I not just "go with the flow" and let life take me where it will? One minute I want to be pregnant so bad I can hardly breath (I'm not over exaggerating either) and then next I'm ready to just move on and enjoy my life as it is. I have to say that life with a 4 year old is much more flexible than when she was younger. I recently joined the gym and am able to take her to the child care, drop her off and not have to worry until I'm done with my workout. She's in preschool which has allowed me a work a wonderful part time job. And ultimately I feel like I could finally go back to graduate school and not feel guilty about it. It's something I want to do SO bad and now that I see it as a possibility I can't get it out of my mind. The thing is, if I have another baby I'm looking at another 3 years of waiting, which I would give gladly in order to have another one, but these are the things that give me pause as the months go by. On the other hand, I absolutely loved being pregnant and am desperate to carry another child and go through the whole birthing, newborn stage. It was such a magical time for us and something I really want to do again. If we were to have another baby, he/she would have the best big sister any child could ask for....I just know it. I feel like we are good parents who have a lot to offer our children and can only imagine the added joys of another child in our family.

So, basically that leaves me totally confused. The more I think about it the more I anticipate our appt with the RE in October. I'm ready to get this show on the road. I want to be a little more aggressive. I want to be pregant. Now. Is that too much to ask???