Despite my pessimism I seem to really be pregnant. The ultrasound on Monday showed an object resembling a worm with a heartbeat flickering away on the screen. According to the u/s I will be 7 weeks tomorrow. My due date is June 21st.
I have to say that I'm really struggling with the reality of pregnancy loss and the loss of my own innocence surrounding all of this. Not only am I tainted by my own previous m/c and SI, but also by the new world of infertility, loss, and heartbreak surrounding pregnancy. My first pregnancy had it's road bumps and I experienced the usual worries any pregnant woman does, but I really had no idea what so many people go through. I lived in my pregnant bliss, always assuming that in the end everything would be fine. Thankfully it was. But now I know different. I know that seeing a heartbeat at 6 weeks doesn't necessarily mean a baby in June. I'm a bit relieved, but now incredibly nervous for the first time they listen for the heartbeat on doppler. A woman on a board I frequent just found out at 13 weeks that her baby died several week before when the doppler didn't return the sound of a beating heart. Will that be me too? I received a note in my daughters cubby at school yesterday and the words that I read caused me to burst into tears and cry uncontrolably for the the next 15 minutes. It was from her dance teacher and read something like this..."As you know I went on Maternity leave at the beginning of October for the birth of our first child. Our son, C was born on October 5. During labor the cord became wrapped around his neck and he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He died on October 25th." I know this woman as a casual acquaintance, yet standing in the parking lot I wanted to scream for her, "HE DIED! WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DIED!"
This is the harsh reality of the world we live in. We don't always get what we want. Things don't always work out like they should. Life doesn't make sense despite our best attempts to make sense of it. Babies die. Babies die weeks after being conceived. Babies die 20 days after being born. Children die. Our parents die. My dad died before he should have and left my brother and I without a dad.
I know that in light of our recent news I should be jumping for joy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Incredibly happy. But more than happy, I'm scared. I've learned a lot about the dark side of this pregnancy thing in the last couple years and try as I may it appears to be following me into my much awaited pregnancy.
It is my goal not to live in fear for the next 9 months, but damn, is it hard! I feel like this child is an answer to our prayers. An incredible blessing from God. I want it so bad and I'm so scared that once again, it just won't work out for me.
I have to say that I'm really struggling with the reality of pregnancy loss and the loss of my own innocence surrounding all of this. Not only am I tainted by my own previous m/c and SI, but also by the new world of infertility, loss, and heartbreak surrounding pregnancy. My first pregnancy had it's road bumps and I experienced the usual worries any pregnant woman does, but I really had no idea what so many people go through. I lived in my pregnant bliss, always assuming that in the end everything would be fine. Thankfully it was. But now I know different. I know that seeing a heartbeat at 6 weeks doesn't necessarily mean a baby in June. I'm a bit relieved, but now incredibly nervous for the first time they listen for the heartbeat on doppler. A woman on a board I frequent just found out at 13 weeks that her baby died several week before when the doppler didn't return the sound of a beating heart. Will that be me too? I received a note in my daughters cubby at school yesterday and the words that I read caused me to burst into tears and cry uncontrolably for the the next 15 minutes. It was from her dance teacher and read something like this..."As you know I went on Maternity leave at the beginning of October for the birth of our first child. Our son, C was born on October 5. During labor the cord became wrapped around his neck and he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He died on October 25th." I know this woman as a casual acquaintance, yet standing in the parking lot I wanted to scream for her, "HE DIED! WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DIED!"
This is the harsh reality of the world we live in. We don't always get what we want. Things don't always work out like they should. Life doesn't make sense despite our best attempts to make sense of it. Babies die. Babies die weeks after being conceived. Babies die 20 days after being born. Children die. Our parents die. My dad died before he should have and left my brother and I without a dad.
I know that in light of our recent news I should be jumping for joy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Incredibly happy. But more than happy, I'm scared. I've learned a lot about the dark side of this pregnancy thing in the last couple years and try as I may it appears to be following me into my much awaited pregnancy.
It is my goal not to live in fear for the next 9 months, but damn, is it hard! I feel like this child is an answer to our prayers. An incredible blessing from God. I want it so bad and I'm so scared that once again, it just won't work out for me.
posted by Donielle... at 9:22 AM
1 Comments:
I hate how infertility or loss shades every aspect of what should be joyful miracles.
I hope that Your Story continues into a happy ending in June.
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