Ever fell so hard that the wind was knocked out of you? Imagine that feeling sans the fall.
I recently found out that my cousin and his wife were pregnant with their 2nd child. When I heard the news I felt that familar tinge of guilt that seems to accompany everyone's "good news" these days. Other than that I was happy for them and of course wished them the best. Then last week my mom told me that an early u/s and bleeding indicated that they were micarrying their baby and they would find out more at a follow-up appt this week. My heart was saddend at the news and I said a prayer that God would watch over them and give them strength to make it through whatever was to come. In the meantime my mom came to visit and while shopping at the mall my mom received a call from my aunt. GREAT NEWS! The ultrasound showed a healthy baby. No miscarriage. It didn't take long for me to get the gist of what was going on and in an instant I felt myself exhale and not be able to inhale. I couldn't breath. My eyes welled up with tears. My heart started to pound. I felt sick to my stomach. And then the anger came. There I stood in the middle of the parking lot, sun beating down on me. Listening to how wonderful it was that they were still pregnant, that they got to see their babies heartbeating. The joy and relief that was coming from my Aunt. I wanted to scream. WHERE WAS MY MIRACLE? WHY DID MY BABY DIE? WHY ME? I finally decided the best thing for me to do was to just walk away. So I did. My mom followed of course and when she got of the phone I did my best to express my happiness for them. I think the only words I could choke out were a very unconvincing, "That's great." I honestly felt like I was going to vomit with each word.
Please don't misunderstand me. I would NEVER wish the pain of loosing a baby on anyone. I didn't want their baby to die like mine did, but in that moment my pain overshadowed any joy I would normally feel for someone in their situation.
After a few minutes, my heart stopped racing, I was able to breath and we continued with our shopping.
I'm feeling a little better now, but am so frustrated with this 2 steps forward, 1 step back crap. I just want to be whole again, but I'm afraid that there will always be a part of me that is missing. The part of my heart that died along with my baby.
I recently found out that my cousin and his wife were pregnant with their 2nd child. When I heard the news I felt that familar tinge of guilt that seems to accompany everyone's "good news" these days. Other than that I was happy for them and of course wished them the best. Then last week my mom told me that an early u/s and bleeding indicated that they were micarrying their baby and they would find out more at a follow-up appt this week. My heart was saddend at the news and I said a prayer that God would watch over them and give them strength to make it through whatever was to come. In the meantime my mom came to visit and while shopping at the mall my mom received a call from my aunt. GREAT NEWS! The ultrasound showed a healthy baby. No miscarriage. It didn't take long for me to get the gist of what was going on and in an instant I felt myself exhale and not be able to inhale. I couldn't breath. My eyes welled up with tears. My heart started to pound. I felt sick to my stomach. And then the anger came. There I stood in the middle of the parking lot, sun beating down on me. Listening to how wonderful it was that they were still pregnant, that they got to see their babies heartbeating. The joy and relief that was coming from my Aunt. I wanted to scream. WHERE WAS MY MIRACLE? WHY DID MY BABY DIE? WHY ME? I finally decided the best thing for me to do was to just walk away. So I did. My mom followed of course and when she got of the phone I did my best to express my happiness for them. I think the only words I could choke out were a very unconvincing, "That's great." I honestly felt like I was going to vomit with each word.
Please don't misunderstand me. I would NEVER wish the pain of loosing a baby on anyone. I didn't want their baby to die like mine did, but in that moment my pain overshadowed any joy I would normally feel for someone in their situation.
After a few minutes, my heart stopped racing, I was able to breath and we continued with our shopping.
I'm feeling a little better now, but am so frustrated with this 2 steps forward, 1 step back crap. I just want to be whole again, but I'm afraid that there will always be a part of me that is missing. The part of my heart that died along with my baby.
posted by Donielle... at 3:51 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home