It's been over a month since I've posted and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if no one reads this anymore (there was only a handful to start with) but none-the-less I've finally come to update.

I'm still pregnant...15 weeks, 5 days to be exact. I had an appt a week and a half ago and we heard the heart beat for the first time which was very exciting. I honestly thought I was going to have a heart attack waiting for it, but lo and behold, there it was. This was the first appt I haven't had an u/s which was actually kind of nice. There's something strangely comforting about an appt so routine that you are back in your car while it's still warm!

My next appt is at the end of January and we will have the big anatomy u/s (or whatever it's called). I will be 18 1/2 weeks and while my Dr usually likes to wait until 20 weeks in order to get the best pics possible he said that due to my lack of fat (yes, hate me...I'm a skinny one! ;) ) we shouldn't have a problem seeing things and he wouldn't make me wait an extra 2 weeks...I really love that man!

I've started to feel the baby move on a regular basis and find it so reassuring. Before my last appt I was absolutely convinced that the baby was dead and had myself prepared for how my appt would go. I even told Dh not to look at or talk about my pregnant body because it reminded me of what wasn't going to be. Now I feel a little crazy for the way I was acting, but I really couldn't help it.

Anyways, I've been so slow to update this because I've been in this limbo of wanting so bad to just enjoy being pregnant and dealing with some major fears about it all. I also am finding it a bit disturbing at how the feelings from our SIF are still there. Sure, it's a little easier to hear other's pregnancy announcements, but there is still that familiar sting that accompanies them. I also am really struggling with feeling like people don't get that OUR pregnancy is somehow more special than there's...terrible, terrible, I know.

The good news is that for the first time since finding out I was pregnant I have started to actually think in terms of having an actual, real life baby in the near future. It has only happened in the last week or so, but I think I'm gradually warming up to the idea of it all. I still haven't bought or done a single thing to prepare for this baby, but have decided that after our u/s I will start acting like I'm really having a baby.

I guess that's all for now.

I really suck at keeping up on this blog.

Anyways, I'm now 10 weeks, 3 days and I think I'm feeling a little better. Of course not being as sick is both a blessing and a curse. I've been absolutely desperate for a break from the constant sickness but as soon as it starts to let up I immediately question if it's a sign that something is wrong.

We spent the last 4 days with my IL's which helped to keep my mind occupied. I have an OB appt tomorrow and am praying that we can hear the heartbeat. I know it's a little early but I will go crazy if I have to wait another 4 weeks!

I guess that's all for now. I will update after my appointment tomorrow.

I'm still here. Still pregnant (as far as I know).

Truth be told, I'm extremely sick which is making thing very difficult for me. Not only am I suffering from the physical part of it, but I am feeling so guilty for not being able to embrace it. The logical part of me knows that anyone who is sick 24 hours a day (I'm really not joking. I puke all day and all night...sleep doesn't even relieve the sickness) for weeks on end won't have the most positive outlook on things, but the emotional side of me keeps saying, "this is what you asked for". The worst part is that a good number of people feel completely comfortable reminding me just in case I happend to forget. If I'm honest when they ask me how I'm doing, they usually chuckle and say something like, "well, this is what you wanted!" I usually bite my tongue and smile, but what I really want to say is, "NO! You are wrong!" What I wanted was to be pregnant and have another child." "I didn't want to be so sick that I'm loosing weight faster than I can keep track off, that my throat is raw from all of the vomit...especially the bile, that my back and abdomen literally ache with pain from the constant heaving." "That's NOT what I asked for!"

Of course then the guilt creeps up and I consider the alternative and I hate myself for being so selfish. I know that for the most part this is a good sign. Every time my head is hanging in the toilet it reminds me that, yes, I am in fact pregnant.

I'm just such a mess in my head right now. During the days I'm so consumed with making it through that I don't have a lot of time to worry about all that bad things that might happen, but at night, well that's another story. In my short stints of sleep there hasn't been one night since finding out I was pregnant that I haven't had some horrible dream...different circumstances, different reasons, but they all end the same way...with a dead baby.

I am so determined for this NOT to be my experience, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to escape it. My stomach still drops every time someone does or says something that assumes that we're really having a baby. My mom decided not to take extra days of vacation at Thanksgiving so that she could have more time in June. When she told me I wanted to say, "you shouldn't plan for that, just take your days at Thanksgiving." What is wrong with me? Why can't I accept that fact that I'm going to have a baby? But what...just what if, I'm not???

One year ago today I experienced the heart break of miscarriage. I was the Maid of Honor in my sister-in-laws wedding and saw the first tinge of blood in bathroom at the salon where we were getting our hair done. I tried to tell myself it was nothing, but in my heart I knew better. Of all days I thought. Any day but this one. I made up some stupid excuse about having to run to the store and went and bought pads. Pregnant women shouldn't be buying pads. I put one on and somehow shoved it out of my mind. The day went on. Last minute decorations, a beautiful wedding and the reception. All the while I was consumed with taking care of my duties. Finally after all of the formalities were over I realized I really had to pee. My mom decided to join me and or course my beautiful little flower girl had to come to. I went in the bathroom, pulled down my pants and stared in horror as I saw a blood filled pad. I can't explain that feeling. How could I not know I was bleeding so much? I quickly composed myself and came out of the bathroom. As soon as I saw my mom I fell into a puddle of tears. No one knew I was pregnant. We were going to tell everyone the next day. We didn't want to take away from the wedding and so we waited. Now I had to tell my mom I was pregnant and miscarrying in one breath. She hugged me, helped me pull myself together and I went to find the hubby. I whispered to him and he quickly whisked me off to say goodbye to the bride and groom and helped me into the car (we said we needed to take flower girl home). He told his mom and we left. I spent that night in a hotel room bleeding and in pain. The next morning we had plans to gather for the gift opening. We didn't want to tell my sister and brother in law so I put on a happy face and watched them open mixers, vacuums and the like. Finally we left and I had to drive 2 1/2 hours home by myself (I had come early to help with preparations). I had never been more more happy to be home. A trip to the ER, blood tests and an ultrasound confirmed what I already knew in my heart. Our baby was gone.

In that moment I feel like I lost some measure of innocence. That was the beginning of a very long dark time for me. I tried to tell myself it would be okay. Just bounce back and don't worry so much. But I felt so empty inside. I laid in bed for days holding my stomach, desperate to have my baby back in my womb where it belonged. My poor husband was beside himself. He didn't know what to do and honestly, didn't really understand. I got angry. He got defensive. It was terrible. I cried. I screamed. I was angry. hurt. heart broken. confused.

As time went on I began to come out of that dark place. Thankfully I realized that God still had plans for our life. He still wanted to bless us with children. His love was bigger than my loss and that ultimately, I would be okay.

I knew today was coming and I wondered how I would feel. I'm thrilled to be pregnant again on this day, but still so scared that it's going to happen again. Now I know I will be okay in the end, but I really, really, really don't want to have to go there again.

I'm looking forward to this day being over. Looking forward to the knot in my stomach going away. Forward to the thoughts of what could have been to fading away. I so want to enjoy this pregnancy and I'm trying to let myself enjoy this time.

Today I forced myself to ask the Princess what she was going to do when she was a big sister. She of course had a list a mile long to tell me, but I felt like I was going to choke on each word as it came out.

I'm trying. Really trying.

Despite my pessimism I seem to really be pregnant. The ultrasound on Monday showed an object resembling a worm with a heartbeat flickering away on the screen. According to the u/s I will be 7 weeks tomorrow. My due date is June 21st.

I have to say that I'm really struggling with the reality of pregnancy loss and the loss of my own innocence surrounding all of this. Not only am I tainted by my own previous m/c and SI, but also by the new world of infertility, loss, and heartbreak surrounding pregnancy. My first pregnancy had it's road bumps and I experienced the usual worries any pregnant woman does, but I really had no idea what so many people go through. I lived in my pregnant bliss, always assuming that in the end everything would be fine. Thankfully it was. But now I know different. I know that seeing a heartbeat at 6 weeks doesn't necessarily mean a baby in June. I'm a bit relieved, but now incredibly nervous for the first time they listen for the heartbeat on doppler. A woman on a board I frequent just found out at 13 weeks that her baby died several week before when the doppler didn't return the sound of a beating heart. Will that be me too? I received a note in my daughters cubby at school yesterday and the words that I read caused me to burst into tears and cry uncontrolably for the the next 15 minutes. It was from her dance teacher and read something like this..."As you know I went on Maternity leave at the beginning of October for the birth of our first child. Our son, C was born on October 5. During labor the cord became wrapped around his neck and he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He died on October 25th." I know this woman as a casual acquaintance, yet standing in the parking lot I wanted to scream for her, "HE DIED! WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DIED!"

This is the harsh reality of the world we live in. We don't always get what we want. Things don't always work out like they should. Life doesn't make sense despite our best attempts to make sense of it. Babies die. Babies die weeks after being conceived. Babies die 20 days after being born. Children die. Our parents die. My dad died before he should have and left my brother and I without a dad.

I know that in light of our recent news I should be jumping for joy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Incredibly happy. But more than happy, I'm scared. I've learned a lot about the dark side of this pregnancy thing in the last couple years and try as I may it appears to be following me into my much awaited pregnancy.

It is my goal not to live in fear for the next 9 months, but damn, is it hard! I feel like this child is an answer to our prayers. An incredible blessing from God. I want it so bad and I'm so scared that once again, it just won't work out for me.

Repeat Beta yesterday. 10 days after the first.

22,000.

I want to be excited, but am still scared to.

Ultrasound on Monday.

I'm pregnant.

10 days of Provera that didn't bring AF resulted in a positive pregnancy test and blood beta of 813 last Monday.

I have a repeat beta on Thursday and my first appt and u/s on Monday.

I don't know what else to say...I'm in shock!