7 years ago today I stood in a hospital room with my arms around my brother and watched as my dad went to be with the Lord. He died of cancer and his death was very much a blessing as he was finally free from the pain and suffering he had endured for so long. I can't explain the peace I feel knowing that he is spending eternity with our Heavenly Father, but it's still hard not to have my dad here with me. He never saw me graduate from college, get married or become a mom. He would have been a wonderful grandpa to Bella.
In October when I found out I was pregnant of course the first thing I did was calculate my due date. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was July 4. A day that for years was one of the happiest days of the year. As a family we would travel to friends of ours home and spend a week celebrating the 4th. It was something we looked forward to all year. Then the joy of all of that was tainted by the loss of my dad on a day that was so special to us as a family. Now here I was, due to have a baby on that day. I know that the chances of delivering on your due date are slim, but I still felt like God was giving me something very special. A gift we had waited for and wanted so badly on a day filled with much sadness for my family. It seemed perfect to me. And then I miscarried. This was one of my biggest struggles. Why would God allow this to happen to me. Was the death of my dad not enough to deal with on that day?? I will never forget listening to my Jeremy Camp CD and the words to the song "I Still Believe" shortly after my m/c and the struck me to my very core. The whole song means so much to me now, but these words are words that I have had running through my head ever since...
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
I have to say that I still don't fully understand what it is that God is preparing my heart for, but I am content to be patient and see...or not. I know it's something I may never fully understand here on earth and I'm okay with that finally.
Anyways, today marks a very sad time for us. First the death of my dad and now for the first time, the death of our much wanted baby. As sad as it makes me, I hold on to the knowledge that our separation is only temporary. I know there will be a day when I see my dad and my baby again.
In October when I found out I was pregnant of course the first thing I did was calculate my due date. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was July 4. A day that for years was one of the happiest days of the year. As a family we would travel to friends of ours home and spend a week celebrating the 4th. It was something we looked forward to all year. Then the joy of all of that was tainted by the loss of my dad on a day that was so special to us as a family. Now here I was, due to have a baby on that day. I know that the chances of delivering on your due date are slim, but I still felt like God was giving me something very special. A gift we had waited for and wanted so badly on a day filled with much sadness for my family. It seemed perfect to me. And then I miscarried. This was one of my biggest struggles. Why would God allow this to happen to me. Was the death of my dad not enough to deal with on that day?? I will never forget listening to my Jeremy Camp CD and the words to the song "I Still Believe" shortly after my m/c and the struck me to my very core. The whole song means so much to me now, but these words are words that I have had running through my head ever since...
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
I have to say that I still don't fully understand what it is that God is preparing my heart for, but I am content to be patient and see...or not. I know it's something I may never fully understand here on earth and I'm okay with that finally.
Anyways, today marks a very sad time for us. First the death of my dad and now for the first time, the death of our much wanted baby. As sad as it makes me, I hold on to the knowledge that our separation is only temporary. I know there will be a day when I see my dad and my baby again.
posted by Donielle... at 9:39 AM
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