I know I keep writing about the same thing over and over again, but I guess I'm hoping that by writing it down I will some how be able to make sense of it??

Anyways, I'm still feeling so torn about which "path" to take. The having another baby path or the forget it and move on path. Why do I feel so compelled to choose one? Why can I not just "go with the flow" and let life take me where it will? One minute I want to be pregnant so bad I can hardly breath (I'm not over exaggerating either) and then next I'm ready to just move on and enjoy my life as it is. I have to say that life with a 4 year old is much more flexible than when she was younger. I recently joined the gym and am able to take her to the child care, drop her off and not have to worry until I'm done with my workout. She's in preschool which has allowed me a work a wonderful part time job. And ultimately I feel like I could finally go back to graduate school and not feel guilty about it. It's something I want to do SO bad and now that I see it as a possibility I can't get it out of my mind. The thing is, if I have another baby I'm looking at another 3 years of waiting, which I would give gladly in order to have another one, but these are the things that give me pause as the months go by. On the other hand, I absolutely loved being pregnant and am desperate to carry another child and go through the whole birthing, newborn stage. It was such a magical time for us and something I really want to do again. If we were to have another baby, he/she would have the best big sister any child could ask for....I just know it. I feel like we are good parents who have a lot to offer our children and can only imagine the added joys of another child in our family.

So, basically that leaves me totally confused. The more I think about it the more I anticipate our appt with the RE in October. I'm ready to get this show on the road. I want to be a little more aggressive. I want to be pregant. Now. Is that too much to ask???